Circle K Will Pry My Slurpee From My Cold, Dead Hands

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Today’s Agenda
Slurpee > Sloche
In America, the convenience store hierarchy is rather contentious. At the top sits Buc-ees. Then there’s Wawa (or Sheetz if that’s more your speed). Additional regional disputes follow: In the Northeast, Stewart’s beats Cumberland Farms. Down south, it’s Parker’s all the way. Out west, you’ve got the REI of gas stations, Maverik. Then there’s the national chains, the clear winner of which is 7-Eleven. You can’t get a Slurpee(1) at BP or ExxonMobil or Circle K.
Which is why it’s surprising to hear that Circle K’s Canadian corporate overlord, Couche-Tard, wants to buy 7-Eleven’s parent, Seven & i. Gearoid Reidy calls the $86 billion bid “audacious” in his latest column (free read). In Tokyo, where Gearoid lives, the Japanese offshoot of 7-Eleven is a treasured institution. The idea of some Canadian big shot coming in and tinkering with the conbini experience is terrifying.
7-Eleven “is frequented daily by some 20 million people, or a sixth of [Japan’s] population,” he writes. “It pioneered the sale of onigiri rice balls in the 1970’s and built out a vast range of cheap, fresh and surprisingly nourishing food with its just-in-time inventory management.” Locals and tourists fear a takeover would upend that reputation and herald a subpar experience. 
“Despite operating far fewer stores than Seven & i, Couche-Tard is worth nearly twice as much as its target,” Gearoid says. “And while much of that is down to the weak yen, it’s not the only factor.” Chris Hughes explains: Prior to this week, 7-Eleven’s “market value had fallen by more than 20% since March. The business is also in a tight spot. There’s an activist on board in the form of ValueAct Capital Management. And while this acquisition would be a historic mouthful — potentially Japan’s largest foreign takeover — the Tokyo market is no longer the closed shop it once was.”
Chris calls the Couche-Tard bid “opportunistic,” but I have another theory: What if this is just some elaborate ploy to get 7-Eleven’s Slurpee recipe??
Hear me out: In 2000, the Canadian chain decided to launch a brand to compete against Slush Puppie and Slurpee. They called it “Sloche” and marketed it to unruly teens loitering around the convenience store parking lot. The names of these beverages were a disgusting departure from the cherry and blue raspberry slushies of yore: Winchire Wacheur (Windshield Washer), Sang Froid (Cold Blood), Goudron Sauvage (Wild Tar), Rosebeef (Roast Beef), Cheddar Tropical(Tropical Cheddar), Liposuccion (Liposuction), Gadoue (Dirty Half-Melted Snow) and Wontong (Wonton Soup). In 2013, they even launched a Pizzaghetti Sloche in honor of Quebec’s most shameful food tradition. If you don’t believe me, here’s a photo:
On the bright side (if you can call it that), none of these iced beverages actually taste like their ungodly-sounding names. Instead of marinara sauce, it’s strawberry. Instead of cheddar, it’s sour apple. Instead of roast beef, it’s peach … and so on. Still: The mishmash of names and flavors is wrong! And it doesn’t bode well for 7-Eleven. Just as Gearoid worries that Couche-Tard could corrupt Japan’s conbini, I fear what would happen if it got ahold of America’s Slurpee machines.
Bonus Business Reading: Estee Lauder’s brands have lost their luster recently. The company could use a fresh perspective. — Andrea Felsted
Demore > Demure
You know a trend is well and truly over when New York City Mayor Eric Adams is joining in on the fun. In response to the menswear guy’s recent tweet about ditching “demure” for “demore,” Adams said:
Yes, Adams’ trend-baiting is cringe, his sentiment is not. We do need more affordable housing options in this country:
While the YIMBY crowd appears to be gaining ground (see: Obama at the DNC last night), Conor Sen says “housing isn’t a bubble that is likely to pop overnight.” Instead, we might be waiting until at least 2029 to see some positive movement on pricing: “Rising incomes, falling mortgage rates, more construction and thoughtful policy will slowly chip away at the affordability problem. It will probably take five years or more to approach the kind of purchasing power homebuyers enjoyed before the pandemic,” he writes.
“Returning to the kind of housing affordability that Americans enjoyed in mid-2018 overnight would require home values to drop 30% or for mortgage rates to decline to 3%,” Conor explains. The odds of that happening anytime soon are slim to none. The government can help builders construct new houses, but change will be incremental. Clearly, “demure” was just a fleeting trend. “Demore” will take time.
DNC Roundup
Today I bring you an ACTUAL treat: Two triple thick, black and white milkshakes from Wilmington, Delaware. What in the world does that have to do with the DNC? Well, apparently somebody brought President Joe Biden a frozen shake allllll the way from one of his childhood-favorite restaurants, Charcoal Pit. How does a milkshake endure a 700-mile journey to Chicago? Inquiring minds want to know:
Appetizer Quote: “It is a notable and necessary shift that many of the most ardent supporters of abortion rights are Democratic men, who have pointed to the ridiculous and harmful statements made by their Republican counterparts.” — Nia-Malika Henderson, Democrats Made Abortion Personal. Trump Has No Rebuttal.
Entrée Chart: On Monday, JD Vance wrote an op-ed in the Wall Street Journal declaring that Vice President Kamala Harris is waging a war on US energy. “If so, she’s not much of a general and nor is her boss. US oil and gas production has hit new records under President Joe Biden and net exports of these fuels have surged,” Liam Denning writes. Trump’s running mate says Americans can’t afford the energy transition, but really, “we can’t afford to avoid it,” Liam says. Plus, its not like there’s a huge discrepancy between Biden and Trump’s energy cost record. Excluding the pandemic, they’re basically the same:
Dessert Video: Lil Jon pretty much broke the internet with Georgia’s role call last night, but Mary Ellen Klas says Trump’s allies are trying to break the state’s entire electoral process. Yikes: “Unless the courts intervene, a new state Board of Elections rule means results could be delayed for weeks, potentially creating echoes of 2020’s election denialism,” she writes.
Further Reading
Obamacare’s ban on doctor-owned hospitals has backfired. — Bloomberg’s editorial board
Actually, 818,000 fewer jobs signals a healing economy. No need to panic. — Jonathan Levin
Supply-side reform worked for China before, but it will fail this time. — Shuli Ren
DEI has a new nemesis — and he’s scary good at his job. — Beth Kowitt
Ukraine has a Germany problem again. Here’s how to fix it. — Marc Champion
Trade deficits are dangerous because of stupid policy responses. — Clive Crook
Pilots should avoid flying through the cold, humid parts of the sky. — David Fickling
ICYMI
RFK Jr. is expected to drop out by the end of the week.
Most supermarket baby food is unhealthy.
Chick-Fil-A is launching a streaming service.
Beyoncé threatened Trump with a cease-and-desist.
Teenagers trade $20 million to prep for jobs at Citadel.
Kickers
Humpback whales are elite.
Megalopolis may have used fake quotes.
A blind rock climber has the ultimate guide.
A man with a bloody head got kicked off a plane.
Notes: Please send Slurpees and feedback to Jessica Karl at [email protected].
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(1) Fun fact: Each year, 7-Eleven sells enough Slurpees to fill 12 Olympic-sized swimming pools.
This column does not necessarily reflect the opinion of the editorial board or Bloomberg LP and its owners.
Jessica Karl is a Bloomberg Opinion columnist and author of the Bloomberg Opinion Today newsletter.
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